Awakening

Nearly two years ago I feel asleep. I don't know exactly how it happened or why, but my spirit went into a deep coma that, despite all my frail efforts, could not be revived. I prayed for a long, long time for God to awaken me, but I remained listless. And no amount of council or quiet time could jolt me into consciousness. I was aware of my dying state, but felt utterly helpless to resolve it. In fact, the extended drought in Texas has reflected my soul. But, it is starting to rain...

When Jarred left Texas 3 months ago, I sank into depression and loneliness and stress as I prepared to make this huge change in my life. Often, when people asked me how wedding plans were going or if I was looking forward to it, my response was, "I'm looking forward to it being over!" I became very negative and secretly fearful of the step I was about to take. Then came the dreams. I started dreaming of Africa almost every night. I began to question my motives for marrying Jarred, and if it was the right thing to do. I don't know what happened, but a couple of days ago, I became very aware of my sour attitude. I was taking my internal distress out on those I loved most. But when I realized what I was doing and how it would affect the "goodbye" to my family and the "hello" to my new husband, I dried my tears, apologized for my behavior, and determined to start being positive and thankful.

Last night I had another dream of Africa. Kenya and Israel represented the same thing, and Somalia and Samaria / the Middle East represented the same thing. I and a group of people were on a dangerous journey out of Somalia and into Kenya via bus. The Somali people were allowing us to leave, as long as we did not take any of their people with us. But they were rejecting and throwing out their own children who were sick or maimed. I swaddled a sick little Somali girl named Carol and hid her close against me on the bus. Some of the other sick children who we were trying to rescue died along the way. But during the 2 or 3-day trip, I cared for the baby in my arms and prayed over her. Then Jesus was next to me, and I asked Him, "Isn't this what You want us to do, to care for the orphans and widows instead of seeking war?" I wanted to know that I was doing the right thing, that I had His approval. When we arrived safely in Kenya / Israel, little Carol suddenly awoke fully healed. I started crying for joy and we all praised God.

I am curious as to what this dream means. Is it figurative? Is Carol a picture of the inside of me - a sick girl who needs awakening? Or is it more literal? Is it a prophetic picture of what God wants us to do there? Jarred and I have been discussing our role in relation with Africa. Both of the times that I have been to Kenya (the first when I was 14 and the second when I was 20-22), I stayed as far away from the children and the needy as I could, which usually meant that I was closed off to the world around me. I was more focused on a country than actual people, and more concerned with my role than God's heart. But God says that, "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress" (James 1:27) It grieves me that I have a seeming inability to love those who need it most or who require something of me (see my last post, Selective Love).

At church today, I walked into the sanctuary and entered God's presence unhindered. I'm not exactly sure what happened. Perhaps it has been an unconscious, gradual awakening - needing dreams, emotions, and a shaking of the course of my life. But it did not take an extended time of prayer, fasting, reflection, worship, or communion. I was simply there, in His presence, and acutely aware of His voice. And I sensed Him say, "The drought is over." I felt awake for the first time in a long time. The disappointed hopes and offense toward God melted away...Outside my Texas bedroom window, the sun is peeking out after nearly a week of heavy rain. The brown fields have been transformed into soft waves of green blanketed in wildflowers. The birds are singing and the trees are covered in blooms I've never been aware of before. It is a perfect Spring. And I am taking it all in...alive.

Selective Love

In my post last night, I touched on my feelings for the people of Africa...and the lack thereof for Americans. Although God wants us to love all the people of the world, I can't say that my feelings are wrong since I believe that He impresses upon the hearts of His children to pursue different people groups with His love. However, it does cause me to notice a certain flaw inside myself - selective love.


The way I live my life is very structured. Perhaps my worst pet peeve is being late, the second being disorganized. I hate the feeling of chaos and disorder, so I narrow my focus to maintain my sanity. Narrowing my focus, however, often shifts people to my peripheral vision or my blind side. Sometimes I run them over in the pursuit of my goals.


In Matthew 5:43-49, Jesus said, "You have heard the law that says, 'Love your neighbor' and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect."


We got a new General Manager at Banana Republic a couple of weeks ago. Right off the bat people were talking smack about her, calling her awful names behind her back. I was shocked to hear even my favorite manager slander her. But as time has passed and I too have noticed unlikeable characteristics in the new GM, I silently joined the critics. Yesterday she snapped at me and I could feel a sarcastic reply crawl up my throat. I almost didn't care that I was about to get myself fired over an offense! But a couple of hours later when I clocked out for the day, I noticed her in the break room cringing with a big migraine. I suddenly imagined myself in her shoes - a stranger in a new state, trying to get her family settled in and manage a brand new group of people who doesn't even accept her yet. So I silently prayed for her, and my hostile feelings melted away.


I don't usually keep a record of "enemies", but how often do I select those who I am going to really love?

Mothers & Missionaries

I have two topics looming in my mind, completely unrelated, nevertheless pressing...mothers and missionaries.

Mothers. More and more I am coming to realize the serious value of a mother. I may be stepping on toes here, maybe I am just young and inexperienced and don't really understand yet. But right now I believe that you should not bear children if you are not prepared to be a mother. A mother and a woman who bears children are not the same thing! You may have youngsters with the same DNA, but you may not be their mother. I am observing firsthand the effects of the absence of a mother. When children are abandoned to raise themselves, chaos reigns...and usually the mother wonders why her children don't respect her. It seems to me that it is better for a family to live simply and the mother to fulfill her role than for both parents to work and the children raise themselves. I may be being brash here, but I believe a true mother stays home to cultivate her own children. I do not mean that I think every family should homeschool, etc., but that a mother needs to be active in the upbringing of her children, and acutely aware of what is going on in their lives so she may know how to properly direct them. God help me, I will not surrender my motherhood to someone else or my children to destruction because I cannot foresee our financial stability.


(Note: I understand that every situation is not cookie cutter. Especially in this generation, with so many broken homes, being a stay-at-home mom may not be a feasible option. I don't have all the answers. I can only speak my convictions from the viewpoint of how things should be.)

Missionaries. Since I have not been a mother, but I have been a missionary, this topic perplexes me even more. If a mother feels helpless to change or confused about how to do so, I can understand those feelings when it comes to being a missionary. Unanswered questions still fester inside...a sense of failure on my calling. I just saw a news video online about a white man living in the war zone of Sudan. Why wasn't I strong enough to stay? How could a lifelong dream be crushed by discomfort in a matter of months? It may be wrong, but the hungry and lost people of America don't capture my heart...Africa does. People always told me that I would go places where people haven't gone and do things people haven't done. But the thirst for living on the edge that once drew me now causes me to shrink back in fear. What do I do?

Last-Minute Mishaps

My wedding is 25 days away, and Jarred will be here in 18. Gosh! That's so close! Why then are the days still lulling past as if nothing is happening at all? Well, nothing, that is, except a few recent mishaps...

1. My fourth and final wisdom tooth decided to make its painful little appearing a few weeks ago. Bad timing I'll say! I was trying to just ignore it, but when we received some extra cash that we weren't expecting, I promptly set up an extraction appointment. I hope it heals in time - don't want to be a puffy-cheeked bride!
2. The special nose ring I got for the wedding broke off last night, then I ripped out the bone part of it while wiping my face this morning. Ouch!!! While trying to superglue it back together, I managed to superglue my fingers too. The result was a mess. So again, I promptly got on my computer and ordered a new nose ring.
3. I had a manicure done a week ago. The nice woman successfully cut my cuticles down too far, and the hangnails on each finger are shredding like confetti at a birthday party. Nail clippers and lotion have been my constant companion ever since.
4. A nurse at my doctor's office just told me that I've been taking my birth control pill wrong for the past few months. Now I'm taking a gamble and skipping the placebo in the hopes that my little red visitor won't show up the day I'm wearing white.
5. Acne...need I say more?...

Really? With 25 days to go? Oh well. It's coming whether I'm ready or not!

Friends

Never in my life have I recognized more the value of friendship. It may seem like a fairytale wish in our modern age, but I always imagined that the life of an engaged woman would include being surrounded by a doting mother, sisters, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, and friends. I think about the olden days or in other cultures when a woman is being prepared to be married. I imagine that all the females are involved in the process. But never in my life have I felt so alone. With no car and little direction for life, I feel locked up and aimless. I work on weekends when everyone else is off, and I'm off during the week while everyone else works. I live in a "podunk" town that is almost isolated from the rest of civilization, so going anywhere takes a lot of time and gas money. Nobody wants to come out here.

My family works during the day and live their separate lives during the evening. I never see them anymore. I don't mean to complain. It's not that I don't appreciate them. I know they have to work. And their hard-earned dollars are helping to pay for part of my wedding. I also recognize that they are the only ones who are hosting bridal showers and such for me, and that really means a lot. But I'm still alone...all the time. It hurts when I have to go pick up my wedding dress by myself, and even more frustrating when I smudge makeup on the clean white fabric because there was no one to help me lift it over my head.

A long-lost friend came in to town last week, and we spontaneously met up and went out for dinner. I was almost embarrassed by how much I enjoyed myself. I'm in a drought of human contact, and I soaked it up like a person dying of thirst. For a brief moment in my life, a couple of years ago, I felt an unfamiliar sense of contentment. I had never had true friends like I'd had then. I could see them anytime I wanted, and they really cared for me. I felt like I was coming alive for the first time. I felt free, burdenless. Now I've come back to shadow and loneliness. Thirty days until the wedding and honeymoon, and then I move to a new State. Will I be able to make new friends?

The Modern-Day Bennet Family

There are 4 females in my original family-my older and younger sisters, my mother, and myself. Currently we are all single and quite eligible ladies, though I am the only one engaged to be married. I feel we are somewhat like a modern-day Bennet family, like from Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice. The talk around the table-morning, noon, and night-is about boyfriends and husbands and men and boys. My ideas about such things are generally classic, dating from a pre-feminist movement sort of view. And being the strongest introvert among the four of us, I tend to keep my ideas to myself. I've tried mentioning a thing or two, but it is usually drowned out by the fiercely dominant of the bunch. So I pray that my marriage will speak for itself.

Anyways, I've noticed something in recent conversations. It's a quite unfair observation. It's that, in this generation of women, we expect to be loved unconditionally while expecting the men in our lives to change whatever is necessary to please us. For example, if he asks me to change my haircut or attitude, I'd better run the other way because he has no right to "control" my life. However, it is my "loving duty" to point out to him when his behavior or quirks are disappointing.

As much as we try to claim "equality" with men, there is always a felt need to prove ourselves as women. So when we are asked to change in a certain area, there is an uncomfortable tension inside us that asks, "Is this just the beginning? What other part of me is he going to try to control?" Desperate not to lose our sense of individuality and equality, we induce the silent treatment, yell, sulk, manipulate, withhold, doubt, question, or leave...until he just lets us be who we want to be. But when we find one tiny little inkling of a disagreeable nature in our man, we expect him to change...because, after all, he loves me...right?

Rite of Passage

I have a journal, and I love it. I've always loved walking to the section of Barnes & Noble where rows of empty pages and leather bound books just wait to be filled. But it seems in my culture that young women getting married start blogs to share their experiences. It's like a rite of passage. Not that I like to follow the status quo, but since I've had a bad case of writer's block lately, I thought I might find it easier to post my thoughts throughout the day if I do it in a blog. Plus there is the added benefit that my family might actually read what's going on inside my mind instead of just wondering.

So, welcome to my new blog, "Spengled".

Today I've tried to do a bit of self-discovery. This lengthy engagement has been one of the most difficult (and now that Jarred is in Ohio, lonely) times in my life. With 37 days to go until the wedding, my days have been less and less productive, and my nights more and more restless. I've discovered recently that there is a taboo condition that many brides face, the pre-wedding blues. Knowing that this is normal helps alleviate my concern somewhat, but here are some of my symptoms:

• irritability
• isolation
• depression
• anxiety
• worry

I'm hesitant to talk with friends and family about it, or else they might think I'm getting cold feet! However, this is not the case. I am happy to say that I am madly in love with Jarred Spengler. So this mood of mine is quite a mystery to me. Why, when it should be the happiest time in my life, is it one of the most confusing? I found a good explanation here...

I miss Jarred terribly. If you could see me during the day, you would see a disheveled young woman walking around aimlessly, flinging herself on the bed, crying randomly, etc. I wish I could say that I've been spending these last couple of months deepening my relationship with the Lord, but as I've grown accustomed to finding comfort in Jarred, trying to get on that level with Someone I can't see just doesn't quite seem to satisfy right now. Is something wrong with me? I think I understand now what God meant when He said, "your desire will be for your husband", and Paul, "but the one who is married is concerned about...how she may please her husband".

You know, I always wanted to go through a beauty regimen before I got married, just like young Haddasah did before she became Queen Esther. And while I've been focusing on preparing my outer self for my husband, my inner self has been left wanting. I feel ugly on the inside. What will happen, one day, when I'm alone in our little apartment-no car, no friends, in a strange new state with no idea how to get around or where to go for my most basic needs? I will have to rely on Jarred so much. But even more will I need to rely on Jesus. I hope, when I need Him most, that there won't be this strange distance that I feel is there right now.

God has given me an incredible gift in Jarred. He is so kind and gentle towards me, and so perfectly strong and manly as well. Jarred is a servant-leader. I still wrestle with unanswered questions, but God has led us faithfully thus far. I just want to be an incredible blessing as well-to Jarred, my family, the world, and to the Lord Himself.