Friends

Never in my life have I recognized more the value of friendship. It may seem like a fairytale wish in our modern age, but I always imagined that the life of an engaged woman would include being surrounded by a doting mother, sisters, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, and friends. I think about the olden days or in other cultures when a woman is being prepared to be married. I imagine that all the females are involved in the process. But never in my life have I felt so alone. With no car and little direction for life, I feel locked up and aimless. I work on weekends when everyone else is off, and I'm off during the week while everyone else works. I live in a "podunk" town that is almost isolated from the rest of civilization, so going anywhere takes a lot of time and gas money. Nobody wants to come out here.

My family works during the day and live their separate lives during the evening. I never see them anymore. I don't mean to complain. It's not that I don't appreciate them. I know they have to work. And their hard-earned dollars are helping to pay for part of my wedding. I also recognize that they are the only ones who are hosting bridal showers and such for me, and that really means a lot. But I'm still alone...all the time. It hurts when I have to go pick up my wedding dress by myself, and even more frustrating when I smudge makeup on the clean white fabric because there was no one to help me lift it over my head.

A long-lost friend came in to town last week, and we spontaneously met up and went out for dinner. I was almost embarrassed by how much I enjoyed myself. I'm in a drought of human contact, and I soaked it up like a person dying of thirst. For a brief moment in my life, a couple of years ago, I felt an unfamiliar sense of contentment. I had never had true friends like I'd had then. I could see them anytime I wanted, and they really cared for me. I felt like I was coming alive for the first time. I felt free, burdenless. Now I've come back to shadow and loneliness. Thirty days until the wedding and honeymoon, and then I move to a new State. Will I be able to make new friends?