Last-Minute Mishaps

My wedding is 25 days away, and Jarred will be here in 18. Gosh! That's so close! Why then are the days still lulling past as if nothing is happening at all? Well, nothing, that is, except a few recent mishaps...

1. My fourth and final wisdom tooth decided to make its painful little appearing a few weeks ago. Bad timing I'll say! I was trying to just ignore it, but when we received some extra cash that we weren't expecting, I promptly set up an extraction appointment. I hope it heals in time - don't want to be a puffy-cheeked bride!
2. The special nose ring I got for the wedding broke off last night, then I ripped out the bone part of it while wiping my face this morning. Ouch!!! While trying to superglue it back together, I managed to superglue my fingers too. The result was a mess. So again, I promptly got on my computer and ordered a new nose ring.
3. I had a manicure done a week ago. The nice woman successfully cut my cuticles down too far, and the hangnails on each finger are shredding like confetti at a birthday party. Nail clippers and lotion have been my constant companion ever since.
4. A nurse at my doctor's office just told me that I've been taking my birth control pill wrong for the past few months. Now I'm taking a gamble and skipping the placebo in the hopes that my little red visitor won't show up the day I'm wearing white.
5. Acne...need I say more?...

Really? With 25 days to go? Oh well. It's coming whether I'm ready or not!

Friends

Never in my life have I recognized more the value of friendship. It may seem like a fairytale wish in our modern age, but I always imagined that the life of an engaged woman would include being surrounded by a doting mother, sisters, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, and friends. I think about the olden days or in other cultures when a woman is being prepared to be married. I imagine that all the females are involved in the process. But never in my life have I felt so alone. With no car and little direction for life, I feel locked up and aimless. I work on weekends when everyone else is off, and I'm off during the week while everyone else works. I live in a "podunk" town that is almost isolated from the rest of civilization, so going anywhere takes a lot of time and gas money. Nobody wants to come out here.

My family works during the day and live their separate lives during the evening. I never see them anymore. I don't mean to complain. It's not that I don't appreciate them. I know they have to work. And their hard-earned dollars are helping to pay for part of my wedding. I also recognize that they are the only ones who are hosting bridal showers and such for me, and that really means a lot. But I'm still alone...all the time. It hurts when I have to go pick up my wedding dress by myself, and even more frustrating when I smudge makeup on the clean white fabric because there was no one to help me lift it over my head.

A long-lost friend came in to town last week, and we spontaneously met up and went out for dinner. I was almost embarrassed by how much I enjoyed myself. I'm in a drought of human contact, and I soaked it up like a person dying of thirst. For a brief moment in my life, a couple of years ago, I felt an unfamiliar sense of contentment. I had never had true friends like I'd had then. I could see them anytime I wanted, and they really cared for me. I felt like I was coming alive for the first time. I felt free, burdenless. Now I've come back to shadow and loneliness. Thirty days until the wedding and honeymoon, and then I move to a new State. Will I be able to make new friends?

The Modern-Day Bennet Family

There are 4 females in my original family-my older and younger sisters, my mother, and myself. Currently we are all single and quite eligible ladies, though I am the only one engaged to be married. I feel we are somewhat like a modern-day Bennet family, like from Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice. The talk around the table-morning, noon, and night-is about boyfriends and husbands and men and boys. My ideas about such things are generally classic, dating from a pre-feminist movement sort of view. And being the strongest introvert among the four of us, I tend to keep my ideas to myself. I've tried mentioning a thing or two, but it is usually drowned out by the fiercely dominant of the bunch. So I pray that my marriage will speak for itself.

Anyways, I've noticed something in recent conversations. It's a quite unfair observation. It's that, in this generation of women, we expect to be loved unconditionally while expecting the men in our lives to change whatever is necessary to please us. For example, if he asks me to change my haircut or attitude, I'd better run the other way because he has no right to "control" my life. However, it is my "loving duty" to point out to him when his behavior or quirks are disappointing.

As much as we try to claim "equality" with men, there is always a felt need to prove ourselves as women. So when we are asked to change in a certain area, there is an uncomfortable tension inside us that asks, "Is this just the beginning? What other part of me is he going to try to control?" Desperate not to lose our sense of individuality and equality, we induce the silent treatment, yell, sulk, manipulate, withhold, doubt, question, or leave...until he just lets us be who we want to be. But when we find one tiny little inkling of a disagreeable nature in our man, we expect him to change...because, after all, he loves me...right?

Rite of Passage

I have a journal, and I love it. I've always loved walking to the section of Barnes & Noble where rows of empty pages and leather bound books just wait to be filled. But it seems in my culture that young women getting married start blogs to share their experiences. It's like a rite of passage. Not that I like to follow the status quo, but since I've had a bad case of writer's block lately, I thought I might find it easier to post my thoughts throughout the day if I do it in a blog. Plus there is the added benefit that my family might actually read what's going on inside my mind instead of just wondering.

So, welcome to my new blog, "Spengled".

Today I've tried to do a bit of self-discovery. This lengthy engagement has been one of the most difficult (and now that Jarred is in Ohio, lonely) times in my life. With 37 days to go until the wedding, my days have been less and less productive, and my nights more and more restless. I've discovered recently that there is a taboo condition that many brides face, the pre-wedding blues. Knowing that this is normal helps alleviate my concern somewhat, but here are some of my symptoms:

• irritability
• isolation
• depression
• anxiety
• worry

I'm hesitant to talk with friends and family about it, or else they might think I'm getting cold feet! However, this is not the case. I am happy to say that I am madly in love with Jarred Spengler. So this mood of mine is quite a mystery to me. Why, when it should be the happiest time in my life, is it one of the most confusing? I found a good explanation here...

I miss Jarred terribly. If you could see me during the day, you would see a disheveled young woman walking around aimlessly, flinging herself on the bed, crying randomly, etc. I wish I could say that I've been spending these last couple of months deepening my relationship with the Lord, but as I've grown accustomed to finding comfort in Jarred, trying to get on that level with Someone I can't see just doesn't quite seem to satisfy right now. Is something wrong with me? I think I understand now what God meant when He said, "your desire will be for your husband", and Paul, "but the one who is married is concerned about...how she may please her husband".

You know, I always wanted to go through a beauty regimen before I got married, just like young Haddasah did before she became Queen Esther. And while I've been focusing on preparing my outer self for my husband, my inner self has been left wanting. I feel ugly on the inside. What will happen, one day, when I'm alone in our little apartment-no car, no friends, in a strange new state with no idea how to get around or where to go for my most basic needs? I will have to rely on Jarred so much. But even more will I need to rely on Jesus. I hope, when I need Him most, that there won't be this strange distance that I feel is there right now.

God has given me an incredible gift in Jarred. He is so kind and gentle towards me, and so perfectly strong and manly as well. Jarred is a servant-leader. I still wrestle with unanswered questions, but God has led us faithfully thus far. I just want to be an incredible blessing as well-to Jarred, my family, the world, and to the Lord Himself.